OK, so this may strike a chord with you. I am basically posting this for two reasons: 1. To basically just state my opinion and rant for a bit. and 2. I have my blog put into a book every once in a while. I started in 2008 and have 2 books made. I enjoy reading them and hopefully my kids and grand kids will too. I wonder what they will think when they read this post and how parenting will change.Parenting is really hard. We know this. I would say that I question myself on a daily basis if I did the right thing in a certain situation. I'm going to give you a little scenario that we seem to be finding ourselves in on a regular basis and then I am going to give you my take on the situation. All names, locations, and genders have been changed to protect the innocent. :)
So Adam is involved in this sports team/organization/church group/playgroup (not naming it). And they get together regularly and do different things. So as a group they decided to go to a glass factory. And all their parents are there. The tour guide is giving them a tour of the factory and explains to them that they can't run around, there is glass around, it is expensive and it can break. There are also a lot of expensive tools around to make the glass and if you touch them, it will be difficult for the people that work there because they aren't going to know where they are etc. So want to guess what happens? The kids are running all over the place. Wanna guess what the parents are doing? NOTHING. Or let me rephrase that... a parent of Pat keeps saying/whispering Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat. And Pat keeps running and not listening at all. At one point Chip says to the kids, you know, you really shouldn't be running around here. But no one listens of course and why would they listen to him? And why should he have to be the one to discipline the kids when their parents are standing right there? So they go into another room so see some other glass demonstration and same deal, no one is listening, kids are running around, touching everything. And you'll hear an occasional, "Don't do that Pat." "Stop Lucy." "Don't run Roger."
And this happens EVERY time the kids go to a public place as a group. Thankfully nothing got damaged at the glass factory. But things did get damaged at the newspaper place.
I'm not one to say I am a perfect parent. I could probably use some classes and Nanny 911 and you name it, I probably should read some parenting book. But my kid was not running around any of those places. And if we needed to tell him to stop. He would stop. I read an article in Parents magazine a few weeks ago. I have decided I am not going to subscribe anymore. 1. I don't have time to read it. 2. I think I don't really agree with what they say... which brings us back to the beginning of the paragraph where I probably need the class and the books since I am sure the editors of Parents know a lot more than me. But there was an article in there about spanking. And this isn't what made me want to not resubscribe to the magazine but the articles are generally geared in this direction. Basically spanking is bad. And I think in my heart of hearts, I probably believe that. But it went as far to say that swatting a child's hand away from a hot stove is considered a spank as well as giving a pat on a diapered bottom. I do spank my kids. And I yell at them and I take toys away and I send them to their room and we take a story away at bed time and we don't give dessert after every meal. Do I like doing that? No. But guess what? My kids are respectful well behaved children. I am NOT their friend. Someday I hope to be. But today, I am their parent. I decide when they go to bed. I decide that they are done playing. I decide what we are having for dinner. Someday they will get to choose that. But not today.
Let me tell you what I would have done if I was Pat's mom or dad. I would have grabbed Pat (and by grab I mean grab) and I would have taken her outside and I would have given her a little talk. If she would not behave she would have went home. And if she had to go home (or even if she didn't) she would have written an apology letter to the leader of the group, and the leader of glass place. Same thing for the newspaper place. And this hasn't happened. I know this because it happens EVERY time we go with the group.
Last week Van would not pick up his toys before he went to bed. It's a struggle A LOT. So I told him, if you don't pick up your toys, you know what will happen, I am going to pick them up and take them away. So same thing goes on, kicking, playing, etc. I went in after I was done in the kitchen, quietly took away his favorite new army airplane and snowplow that he loves so much, and put them in the back room where the garbage goes. Oh the sobbing and crying and carrying on. And Adam was just as upset seeing Van upset. That wasn't easy and I didn't like doing it. And I guess bus drivers and grandparents and others heard about it. But guess what? Van picks up his toys now. Hopefully he learned his lesson. If not, we'll start over again.
My mom has a theory about ADHD and she thinks it has to do with parenting. I am also kind of wondering the same thing. Think about it: if kids have NO boundaries, NO consequences, NO guidance, what is going to happen? They are going to be WILD. They aren't going to pay attention. Why do they need to pay attention, there aren't any consequences. I have a kid in my class that tells me, when I don't listen mommy doesn't do anything. Sometimes she'll send me to my room but I have a TV in there so it's OK. Nice. He's five. I wonder why he doesn't listen to me?
I have coined the phrase 'back rubber' for teachers that in my opinion, rub kids back because they don't want to do their math. "You don't want to do your work? That's OK, I'll rub your back until you feel better and then we'll talk." No. I would like to be that teacher in some respects. I NEED to be nicer and listen to kids. But I'm not. And I'm not a back rubber parent. I am not going to rub your back because you don't want to pick up your toys. And we aren't going to talk about your feelings and how we can resolve the problem. I am the parent. For now anyway.
